I had the intent to write something beautiful and fluffy for mother’s day. However, when I was meditating about it, the recurrent theme that came to me was guilt – mothers’ (or parents’) guilt.
When I was a child therapist, I had the opportunity to coach parents on how to support their children. And, in our conversations, most often with the mothers, how they felt about parenting would be part of the conversation. And, many times, guilt would come up.
They would report guilt for many different reasons: it could be about the stressful pregnancy, having to work long hours, not attending children’s school events, not feeling like a “good enough” parent, mistakes, not knowing what to do, and many other reasons.
I was not the parent’s therapist, so it was not my role to process their guilt. But, in some cases, their guilt could become an obstacle to better supporting their child, and we had to discuss it.
Guilt is an important emotion, and it has value. Guilt and remorse can catalyze a sincere desire and attitude towards change behavior. It can be the beginning of repairing and healing a relationship. And it goes for any kind of relationship: parent-child, romantic, or friendship.
However, guilt can be the chain that holds a person’s back or the weapon that holds one hostage. It can hold one back because it freezes the relationships in a hurtful dynamic, preventing healing. It can be the weapon that holds one hostage because the emotion can be used to manipulate one another, which also prevents healing.
For those who carry guilt, I have an invitation. I would invite you to open up for that emotion differently, preferably with the support of another person. Sometimes it can be a good friend, other times; it is better to be a therapist or a good life coach.
I encourage having someone who can hold a safe space to process guilt because it can be very challenging to accomplish it without proper encouragement and validation. It is too easy to fall into thought patterns that keep the pain alive and prevent healing.
I know that processing guilt may not be an easy ride. However, the other side of the journey can lead to a life with more lightness and healthier relationships.
If there was a linear and straightforward process to overcome guilt – which there is not, it could, more or less, look like this:
- Step into acceptance of what was and what is.
- Recognize your mistakes and take responsibility.
- Allow the difficult emotions to emerge and find a healthy and safe way to express them – preferably with a supportive person, perhaps a professional.
- Eventually, those emotions will shift into something else – it can go to anger or relief, or anything in between – allow them to be too.
- Usually, at some point, most people arrive at some level of self-forgiveness, and from there, they can see things differently and make different choices.
What has happened cannot be changed, but a new perspective and different choices can change the future moving forward.
Guilt and remorse are valuable emotions that show that we care. And because we care, we need to be courageous to look into and heal that pain. This way, we can move into healthier relationships and a better life for all people involved.
If you want to explore if we are a good fit to work together, request an appointment here!
Meanwhile, be kind to yourself and my wishes for a happy day for moms, dads, children and everyone!
