When I was asked about a suggestion of what to do when we feel stuck in self-doubt, I was very hesitant to say what came first to my mind. I was hesitant because it is SUPER annoying to hear it.
And, because of my clinical experience as a counselor psychologist, I realized that this strategy generally works in any situation, not only for when we feel stuck in self-doubt. It can help in various scenarios in which we feel stuck, trapped or afraid. Whether it is because of an emotion or a situation. Even though it is annoying to hear, I will say it: calm the F down!
Oh, yeah, I also SUPER know, from personal experience, that it is easier said than done. And, there is a relatively simple biological explanation for why “Calm the F down” works, why we get so annoyed to hear it and why it is so hard to do it.
Read on! It can help you be nicer to yourself and to the people around you – and get unstuck!
Basically, when we are feeling trapped in any emotion or situation, we are biologically trapped in fear. The brain and body is running high on cortisol and other stress hormones, recurrently sending messages of fight, fly or freeze. (Freeze: that is why we feel trapped). And, because we are feeling threatened and defensive, we tend to be sensitive to anything, including advice to calm down. (That is the fight or flight response. It depends if you want to hit the adviser or if you want to walk away. Nonetheless, probably feeling very annoyed).
When we feel stuck or trapped, most likely, we are also having additional unpleasant experiences. It can include few or many of these, in various levels: irritability, challenges with sleeping, bad eating habits, anxiety, depressed mood, low self-esteem, fatigue, isolation, restlessness and so on.
Those presentations are the body in a state of high alert, expecting the big saber-toothed tiger to come and eat us at any minute. Except, the tiger is the worries in our mind that we don’t let it go to sleep.
Why don’t we let the tiger sleep so we wouldn’t feel so trapped and stuck?
It is because we usually don’t cultivate effective and healthy daily habits for relaxation. On the contrary, we cultivate hurtful habits like worrying (watching news, complaining, listening to complainers), packing the day with endless to-do lists, unhealthy eating patterns, and so on. Also, we “relax” with numbing and also hurtful activities like alcohol, drugs, binge watching tv and comparing ourselves with others on social media None of it helps. And, if our brain (and body) can’t calm down and relax in a healthy way, we cannot have space for clarity and creativity to emerge and help with new solutions, we will feel stuck.
So, that is why the best thing to do when we feel stuck, trapped or afraid is to CALM THE F DOWN, and truly RELAX in a healthy way.
But, of course, relaxing will be very hard when our brain is in this state of high alert, especially if it is for an extended period of time. And that is why relaxing will require extra effort and time.
So, what can we do?
First, it is important to learn to notice what is going on in the body and mind. Learn to be aware of the emotions and body responses that arise during stressful situations. Then, over time, we can learn to notice, and better manage, those signals early on, before it feels “out of control.”
Second, be present in the moment. Pay attention in the here and now. Notice that nothing really urgent and life threatening is happening in the now. Unless there is someone pointing a gun at us, or something on that level, the danger is our mind. Even if there is a lot of stress happening, and there is a life threatening illness in a particular situation, there are ways of managing the stress. I, personally, have two simple “mantras” for stressful and panicky situations that help me calming down. They are: “I am not dying now” or “this is not going to kill me”. And, somehow, they work well. I assume it helps pause the “alarm” part of the brain, and it helps that rational part to kick in and think.
Third, find a way of taking the mind out of the problems, and shift the focus to healthy experiences that help feeling good. It can be nature, art, coloring, dancing, talking to fun people, watching a comedy and, if possible, getaway for a few days. Anything that can be relaxing and help the brain be distracted from the saber-toothed tiger (problems) long enough, so the body can lower the cortisol levels. We usually have the best and unexpected ideas, when we are relaxed. For that, we have to let the tiger go to sleep.
What if those are not working now?
If the feeling of being stuck, trapped or stressed has been present for a while (and often it is), the body will need more time and additional support. That is why some quick, occasional, self-care things like manicure, massage, Netflix or drinks with a friend will not do much. It will make the stress manageable for a bit longer, but will not have a lasting effect.
If we are in a stressful state for a long time, our body will need more time to feel safe, in order to be able to truly relax and readjust to a lower cortisol level. In this case, taking an extended time to do relaxing and “feel good” activities can be a better bet to get out of this state. Taking a weekend getaway or, if needed, an extended vacation can be (literally) a lifesaver.
Basically, getting away from the routine and the current surroundings can be the best medicine to rebalance. And time in nature can be the best! (There are plenty of studies showing how much nature helps with mental and physical health on many levels.)
Sometimes, in addition to relaxing activities, other resources can help the body to relax. I personally like acupuncture and other chinese and ayurvedic medicine to help rebalance my body-mind-spirit. Also, I reach out for different emotional and spiritual therapeutic and healing techniques. Find what rocks your boat!
Also, any daily and consistent practice of breath exercise, meditation, relaxation, art, dance, physical exercise can help A LOT. But, they need to be done with a mindset of taking a real break, not as “another annoying item of the to do list that I should be doing.” (I have been there and done that! It does not work. It becomes more stressful.)
When we feel stuck, it can be challenging to see an exit out of that emotion or situation. That is because our brain and body are reacting as we were in a life-threatening situation. That is why it is so important to develop the ability to be aware of our body responses, and also develop tools and practices that help us feel calmer on a regular basis. Sometimes, a little breathing exercise or walk around the block will do it. Other times, a trip around the world will do it. Well, if that is not possible let’s be ok with a trip to a park, beach or a mountain nearby.
It is important to take care of our body and mind, so we can better bring our qualities, talents and gifts to contribute to our lives, to our loved ones and to the world.
I hope this unrequested detailed suggestion helps. And I hope you can find a way to “calm the F down” more often, and bring the best of you out to the world.
Meanwhile, keep breathing!
@IriaSebastiao
Your catalyst for personal change.
