Too often, we hold ourselves back from a more fulfilling life with the career, love and relationships that would nurture our soul.
When we search for why we don’t take certain chances, we usually have a narrative that justifies it. The narrative seems logical and full of evidence of why we should or should not take certain risks.
But logic is a funny thing, and it is very changeable.
Different people can see the same situation very differently and make opposite decisions.
For example, someone can see a particular career path as too challenging or stressful, and others can see it as exciting and inspiring. Likewise, someone can see a relationship crisis as an opportunity for growth towards more intimacy, and others can readily see the same situation as a reason to give up.
Why does it happen?
Different factors and aspects can influence our views and how we respond to life’s circumstances.
Our life experiences, emotional wounds and traumas help shape our worldview and how we perceive what is dangerous. And along with that, our emotional resilience will impact how brave we can be to take certain risks toward happiness.
If our emotional resilience is fragile in a specific area of life, it will reflect how we navigate it. We will tend to take fewer chances there, be unwilling to persist when emotional challenges arise, hold tight to our worldview and keep falling back into what is familiar and into our emotional comfort zone.
In contrast, when we have stronger emotional resilience in that area, we take more chances, persevere more during uncertainty, have better self-regulation upon emotional challenges, and have more openness and flexibility regarding others’ perspectives and worldviews. We feel safe within ourselves.
What is emotional resilience?
Emotional resilience is the ability to adapt to stressful circumstances or crises. And we all have different levels of emotional resilience, and we have different emotional skills that are a better fit in some situations than others.
For example, a person can have a remarkable ability to remain calm while negotiating with a terrorist who is holding hostages. But the same person may lose their cool quickly in a kindergarten with toddlers throwing tantrums.
Another common example is finding people who have emotional skills to endure stressful careers but cannot navigate difficult emotions in intimate relationships. In this case, part of that is because most stressful jobs focus on more clear steps for specific outcomes while encouraging/expecting emotions to be suppressed. On the other hand, relationships are less predictable and require a very different emotional skill set. For example, an intimate relationship is more likely to be fulfilling if both partners feel safe and open to express themselves and be vulnerable – while they deepen emotional closeness and intimacy over time.
The emotional resilience and skills for a stressful job and intimate relationships are very different, and success in one area is not a guarantee in the other.
However, emotional resilience and skills can be developed and improved for work and personal life.
The special forces negotiator and the kindergarten teacher learn the skills to do their job well, and their emotional skills for that role grows along with it. We can also learn skills to create and cultivate an intimate relationship in which we can feel safe expressing ourselves and resolving occasional crises in a way that brings more closeness instead of more distance.
How to move toward more happiness and fulfillment?
To have a more fulfilling job, relationship or life, we have to take chances to pursue things we are afraid of. We have to have the courage to feel uncomfortable while developing new skills and a new comfort level. We have to be open to looking into and deconstructing some narratives shaped by past experiences, emotional wounds and traumas. We must let go of the justifications to remain emotionally safe and take the risk of being happier and more fulfilled.
If you want to explore what may be holding you from a more fulfilling life, request an appointment here.
Meanwhile, be courageous and kind to yourself! 😊
