{Triggering Warning} This post tells a story about a funeral of a “difficult person,” but mostly it’s about healing.
Last Monday, to support my goddaughter, I attended her father’s funeral. Sadly, he passed away on Brazilian Father’s day last Sunday after a difficult battle with cancer. As the refreshingly honest person who led the eulogy said, “Let’s not be hypocritical. It’s not because a person dies that he becomes a ‘saint.’ As you all know, he wasn’t the easiest person to be around. On the contrary, at some point in life, he probably had a stinky with each of you attending this funeral {…}.”
She was probably right. She knew it because she was his daughter-in-law and one of the closest caregivers in his last months of life. He was blessed to have her as a caregiver, as not everyone could bear that challenging role. She had a caring but strong enough personality – of a public school teacher with Italian blood – to be close to him despite his rudeness, stubbornness and resistance to being taken care of.
But, I am not writing it to talk wrong about him. Instead, I want to talk about redemption and healing that can come in unexpected ways. And, I need to give the context so you can understand the beauty of the transformation I witnessed.
Indeed he was a difficult person and had many struggles throughout his life. He was neither an exemplary ex-husband for his two ex-wifes nor the most present and loving father for his three children. And after his second divorce, which greatly happened because of his behaviors related to alcoholism, he distanced himself even more from them and everyone else.
Then, after a few years, a neighbor mentioned to his ex-wife (mother of my goddaughter) that he was seen living as homeless on the streets! As she had a big heart, she sought him and offered to help him rent a place if he stopped drinking and got a job. It seems it gave him a spark of life, and he managed to get it done – with some relapses. And, when he had “his sh!t kind of together enough”, he was diagnosed with cancer. Then, another difficult journey started. (Not as bad as it could be because there is Universal Health Care in Brazil!)
He didn’t have an easy life!
About one year ago or more, I dreamt about him. I was not close to him or thought about him that often, but he came in my dreams to chat and ask to send a message to my goddaughter, who was having a difficult time with something else. It was a vivid dream that felt more like a visit than those surreal imaginary trips. There, when I saw him, I started the conversation with a pretty blunt “ice-breaker:” what a shitty life you have chosen, huh?
Wait – let me give a context for that statement: some religious and spiritual beliefs believe that we make agreements before we are born. We incarnate with plans to have certain experiences and learn specific lessons. So, from that point of view, we choose certain life circumstances. And, his choices seemed pretty painful.
He agreed with my statement in a very matter-of-fact way in the dream. He responded as a conscious person who knew he had signed up for a challenging project at work and accepted that it would be hard, embracing it as “it is what it is.”
He explained that he came to Earth to experience “pride to the extreme” – and he did it! I remember that nothing was ever good enough for him, he belittled everything, and he didn’t gracefully accept support from others – until almost the end of his life.
During the eulogy, his daughter-in-law said that, towards his final weeks, he finally admitted, “I’ve never liked receiving help, but now I must. I cannot do anything on my own. And I am grateful for you and for everyone who had tried to help me, even when I mistreated you all.”
She shared that she read the Bible with him often. She is Christian, and as far as I remember, he disliked religion (and overly religious people). But, towards the end, it seems that resistance also faded and instead of belittling it, he gave in and prayed for forgiveness, occasionally finding tranquility to die at peace.
She said he told her he would die in peace – one of my goddaughter’s prayers for him. He said he felt God’s forgiveness, that he had let go of resentment and had released anyone from any guilt or regret they could have about him. And this was a big deal! He used to be manipulative and played the guilty card against everyone as often as possible. But, towards the end, he finally found redemption and also set his loved ones free.
I knew that my goddaughter, his other children and some close relatives needed to hear that. Even though they all did the best they could, and probably more than he deserved because of his challenging behaviors, they didn’t feel they did enough. But, in the end, that bitter man set them free, acknowledging that they actually did enough.
It was beautiful to witness the energy shifting in the room when some of those people could take in that message: what they did was enough, and he died in peace and gratitude for all of them.
It was a big plot twist – like most deep healing moments go. From “nowhere,” something happens and shifts everything. And those words changed something in many of the people there.
I don’t know why he has chosen such a difficult life, with so much pride and pain. But, I know that many people have learned something from it – even if it’s an example of how not to live. And I believe his illness and dying process were the healing he needed. This way, he could make amends, learn final lessons, die in peace, and alleviate some of the pain he has brought to others.
Another beautiful thing about healing is that it comes in strange and unexpected ways. It often comes in simple and loving forms, like a random act of kindness or being present to oneself and others. Other times, it comes through pain, significant life changes or terminal illnesses. But, if we pay attention, there is an opportunity for healing in almost every experience and connection we encounter.
I didn’t plan to write about it today, but this is what I felt very strongly about it. I hope this story brings you a new perspective about something or a step closer to the healing you need in your life now. If it does, please let me know. I would love to know about it!
Meanwhile, be kind to yourself and others – you don’t know the battle they are going through!
Iria Sebastião, Spiritual Life Coach and Catalyst for Personal Change
